And Eat Bread!!!(Ok, David!!! Shut up about bread!!!)
My editor has made me promise there will be no reference to the David Gates band, Bread. None.
A picture might paint a thousand words, but no words will paint a picture of that horrifying soft rock band.
Tonight my wife wants to go to outback steakhouse for her birthday...Ok. Have you figured out that my wife is blissfully different. No elegance necessary. Hey babes, lets go to a fake australian steakhouse.
Now I have a dubious distinction of having to take my father to the restroom and bitch him out at Outback the last time we were there. Yes,take my father, on his 85th birthday into the mens room, wheel him in and tell him he was being mean and childish. When we came back to the table he claims Erika and Miles ate his dessert. So now, he wants to go to Outback Steakhouse alone!!!! On his birthday. So no one will make fun of him or steal his dessert
Ok, let's go back a little. My dad is in a wheelchair, and lives in a home. Every year we take him to some megameal with cowboy names, Cattlemen's, OutBack, The Ramrod(I thought it was a steakhouse, but that is another story)...and eat an absurd amount of cow. My father has an affinity for one thing at outback....the baby back ribs.
America's love of Australia seems to come from that Paul Hogan movie Crocodile Dundee. In that movie some deviant pulls out some little knife and Paul Hogan says "You call that a knife? Now, this! This is a knife!!!!(and he reveals steel the size of an egret). This seems to be the wisdom of Outback Steakhouse, and of course, the reason people want to eat there. You don't go to Outback for lightly sauteed beef cheeks with a blood orange vinagrette. You want a cow!!! Set on Fire!!!! With blue cheese. Back up the uhaul for leftovers.
Lots of food is what outback is. And these ribs my father eats. Remember the Flintstones? That rack of ribs that tips over their car? Well, the baby back ribs FILLS a plate at Outback. This plate comes after my father has eaten part of a bloomin onion, a salad, and a baked potato with sour cream,butter and bacon..(since his slight heart attack he doesn't eat gravy). My father begins to methodically take down the mastadon ribs, sort of like the tortoise in the said tortoise and hare race. Slowly...and the rib bones begin to pile up... We say "Wow, glad you're enjoying them", the waiter says " Wow, good job" and the people next to us marvel at my fathers prowess surrounding the pig...
An hour and a half later, and there is nothing left but the bones....That is when my father accuses us of making fun of him..."All you did is make fun of me eating the ribs"....Ok, I sometimes make fun of my dad, but not to his face, and not on his birthday.....but he is freaking out, so the bring him a birthday dessert and he wont eat it. Doesn't want it. And he has to go to the bathroom. I take him and tell him that this is what people do at outback, they look at peoples food and say "Wow, you ate a lot"! We come back...and Erika and Miles have eaten a spoonful of his dessert, which he didn't want...
ok, we up to speed now????
So tonight we are going to Outback again....without my dad.
I"m gonna make some predictions and then later come back and tell you if they were true
NOW I AM GOING TO USE THE BOLD TO TELL YOU WHETHER MY PREDICTIONS WERE TRUE
we will wait for a half an hour for a table NOPE...WE WALKED RIGHT IN. TOUGH TIMES...ASK THE WOMAN FROM BORDERS
one of us will mention the rib incident within the first five minutes TOOK ABOUT SEVEN
Erika will get a beer the size of Tasmania YEP,A BLUE MOON
The waiter will be wearing flair KEVIN WAS HIS NAME,AND HE LOVED HIS FLAIR.
We will split something NOT OFFICIALLY. WE WERE PRETTY PIGGY,EVEN FOR US
We will have a great time TOTALLY. CHATTED UP THE WAITER. HE'S MOVING TO VEGAS TO BE A CAMERAMAN
Miles will have to take me to the bathroom and bitch me out.NOT THIS TIME
We will eat the yummy bread. BABY,I'M A BREAD GUY.
David Gates will be playing in the piano bar.(Damn, almost made it)NO